Casualty of word

okay…so since being involved in the film school in Newport, our lectures send us regular e-mails about opportunities in the world of TV. at the end of last month, i got an e-mail saying how the BBC were accepting pitches for the flagship show Casualty …and naturally i entered:

TO CATCH A FALLING KNIFE

a pitch for Casualty for the BBC by Ed Stockham

Begins with a cross story of an amateur knife thrower who is worried about giving his first performance at the circus, filling in for his mentor who has taken a drugs overdose, and a single mum arguing with her elderly mother who is adamant that they not go to the circus as a family (because of the clowns). The single mum angrily takes her small asthmatic child anyway, leaving her mother alone in the house.
The circus happens and the knife thrower comes out and sets up directly in front of the single mum and her boy. Lots of close ups of the knife thrower sweating, the sharp blade and the young boy’s fragile eyes. The knife is thrown. It hits the board. Meanwhile the elderly mother has fallen down the stairs, impaled herself on the kettle and caused an explosion.

NANANANAAA-NAAA-NAAA-NANANANAAA-NA-NA (Casualty theme)

Fresh from saving 15 orphans from a fire with his mighty NHS super powers, Charlie enters the hospital casually. Tess greets him with hostility, saying that he has retired and he should leave. Charlie uses his broad shoulders to argue that the hospital needs him and accuses Tess of being viciously drunk. This is true and Tess falls…only to be caught by the incredibly handsome doctor. During the 15 minutes of sexual tension that arises, Charlie makes his escape and steals an ambulance to go crime fighting into the night.

The elderly mother is admitted to casualty and everyone says lots of long Latin words while covering themselves in the blood of the old woman. Just when they think she is about to die, two of the doctors start talking about their personal life and plug her into a machine that means she will be fine.
Noel and Big Mac are having a handstand competition.

The asthmatic child is sitting alone in the waiting room, crying in worry because of his grandma. Toyah Battersby from Corrie dressed as a doctor talks to the boy and despite strict regulations lets him into his grandmas isolated room. She is caught doing so by the handsome doctor who starts shouting incoherently. They are interrupted by lots of annoying beeping and everyone in the entire hospital rushes into the elderly mothers room to see that she is covered in scalpels.

There is some sort of seemingly unconnected scene in a bar that involves the characters that aren’t in the hospital. It doesn’t make any sense unless you’ve seen the previous 9 Casualty episodes.

Back the hospital it seems that the boy, inspired by the knife thrower at the circus, was trying to connect with his grandma by re-enacting his day. His mother declares that it’s not his fault…he’s just a CHILD!!
An ambulance crashes through the side of the wall and Charlie steps out and awkwardly makes his way through the people to the old woman. He gently kisses her forehead and the woman is magically better…but for some reason angry at Charlie. Everyone is angry at Charlie and it all seems unreasonable. He says something very humble and mentions his family and the NHS a lot before walking proudly out of the door, out of the hospital and into the breaking dawn.

Big Mac won the handstand competition and Noel reluctantly gives him £50.   

today however, i received this email
Image

another dream…shattered…
 

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3 Responses to Casualty of word

  1. Molly says:

    Hey don’t worry Ed, pretty sure that means they’re planning on making it into a stand alone film, ‘Casulty: Living On A Knife Edge’ (coming soon to a theatre near you).

  2. fm014 says:

    sounds like the perfect foundation for a parody film :)
    (you should write more of these pitches)

  3. williamcheek says:

    HA this is magical. It makes me want to watch this show for the sole purpose of fully appreciating the hilarity.

    Actually it makes me imagine a reality show based on the life & times of a pitch-reader: are those tears of laughter? Or tears of regret, knowing she must ultimately deny this awesome pitch; and of self-loathing, knowing despite pangs of empathy she will do so via icy form letter? Or is it the fact that baby’s at home, shut up in a crib for 10 hours, while Grandpappy sits in the other room pounding Cognac and rambunctiously reliving his glory days with the ever-so-vaguely anthropoid coat rack, sapping her savings and any chance of their moving to a safer neighbourhood where Granny wouldn’t have been a tragic victim of random violence? Regardless, it’s clear that things will soon come to a head…perhaps…NEXT WEEK.

    Haha wow that’s terrible. I don’t even, like, what am I accomplishing here O_?

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