so…bye bye from here and i’ll see you on the other side

http://watchingtraffic.tumblr.com/

and not just videos…i make comics and songs too for the same reason. when i try and actually grasp any sort of opinion or understand a feeling or thought i have, the reality of it overwhelms me and i’m bombarded with perspectives and counter perspectives and it’s so confusing…and trying to turn that into any sort of understanding feels like such an impossible task.
the only way i know how to deal with it is to fictionise it. Turning my thoughts and feelings into characters and narratives of ghosts and spiders and robots makes it so much easier to cope with and understand. And then delevoping that into a video or a comic or a song helps me to structure these thoughts and i can look at it objectively and get a much clearer understanding of what’s going on. Then i can relate that back to myself and everything is cool.

I mean, this isn’t a perfect system to rely on by any means. it can leave you frustrated because you can’t find a suitable metaphor, or, worse, you can totally over do it, and as you try to understand everything, you develop a compulsion to make things all the time and you’re not really thinking about what you’re doing…and then that manifests itself in your stuff as robot that is programmed to mindlessly create….and you realise that’s just a product of your compulsion and it’s not very healthy…and you end up making a comic about a manifestation of that thought (with tentacles) trying to stop you from drawing the robot…but then you realise you’ve just fictionalised yourself in this scenario and so you have the tentacled thought address that….
….and as you can see, the whole thing gets a lot more muddled than if you’d just tried dealing with the reality of the situation in the first place.

but usually that’s not actually much of a problem and it does help most of the time to do this.

i left a comment on Michael’s video saying that i had watched a video a few years back where Penny Rimbaud had said that “creating is giving” and i totally knew what that meant until about an hour ago when i tried explaining it in the earlier draft of this post.
i think what i interpreted from the quote when i first heard it was that if you made something that brings you personal comfort or wisdom, it’s kinda selfish to keep that for yourself and so you should put it out there so that others can maybe take something from it too. Equally, if something is troubling you and you express it, you should share it…a problem shared is a problem halved and all that.
also, that creation is a form of communication, and just by making something you’re giving insight into how you see the world (whether that’s to an audience, your future self or just the universe).

i can also see now though, that it could mean something else. it could be that creating is giving something that has nothing relating to the self. just like a birthday present or whatever. it’s putting out a thing to entertain a person who wants to recieve it.

and that’s lovely…but also where it all went wrong for me when i was writing this post originally.
because actually, lots of my videos and comics aren’t about understanding the world. lots of them just exist for fun. to entertain people. to entertain me. and that seems fine. that seems a good enough cause to do things…but for some reason i don’t want to admit that that’s what i do. i don’t want to admit that i like attention sometimes. i don’t want to admit that i like getting loads of comments and reblogs and e-mails occassionally. i don’t want to admit that i do get a little disappointed when a video or comic doesn’t get a lot of views or notes. and i’m not entirely sure why i don’t want to admit those things.
i think, like a lot of youtubers have been admitting lately, i’m just scared. scared of failure – that i’ll never be entertaining enough, and scared of success – that i’ll never be successful enough. i think if you admit to yourself that fame is your goal then you’re pretty much building yourself a road to unhappiness (or at least that’s what it looks like from my point of view right now). and really i just want to be happy where i am and doing what i’m doing now and not have to worry about all that other stuff.
and part of me, for some reason, says it’s supremely arrogant to be that guy who’s like “look at me! i wanna be famous! rate, comment and subscribe!“
But that’s just stupid because that is an incredibly honest and genuine thing to do. and everyone i know who has that sort of attitude is incredibly humble and grateful for their following. and surely it’s a lot more self-centered and arrogant to say something like [hipster voice]“i make videos to understand myself and the universe and then impart my infinite wisdom to the masses.” don’t cha think??
and while we’re on the subject of hypocrisy – ‘creating is giving’ – i got a whole bunch of comics and videos and things that i don’t share with people. i don’t put them on youtube or tumblr…i don’t even watch some of them back myself. so i don’t know what’s going on!
i don’t know why i make anything.
fucked if i know why i tube!

and i don’t really wanna think about it…cause that causes this^!

the only thing i can say for certain on why i make these things, is cause a lot of my friends do. and i don’t get to see any of them as much as i would like. and, y’know, making videos is just a great excuse to keep in touch, and get together and spend an afternoon doing something fun with the people i love.*

*but even that doesn’t make sense cause i ANIMATE everything!!!!!
#N-OW! MY HEAD HURTS!

my knees are cold but i don’t want to shut the window because i like the fresh air.
then my first thought was “hey, i should write that on twitter”
then my second thought was “that’s a dumb thing to write on twitter”
so i wrote it on a blog post instead.

#internet

1. DOGMAN & ME

i finished the comic i sort of half mentioned here and here. it’s available from scratch that records and in orbital comics and i think it’s doing quite well. spread the word!
also…if you’ve already bought a copy it’d be great to hear from you. it’d be good to find out where they’re going and what you guys make of it

2. EMPATHY EXPLORER

i’m doing a series of videos on the subject for an initiative called Start Empathy. it’s about 3 videos in at the moment and another 5 to go. they come out every other friday and you can watch them on the Start Empathy website, or in this handy playlist..

5. THERE WERE SHEEP IN THE GARDEN

i had to round them up and chase them out. it felt like an episode of Postman Pat.

3. NIGHTTIME ADVENTURE SOCIETY

it took me a year to forget how much making an animated music video takes over your life, and i was lulled into doing this for the wonderful Laura Zax and The Nighttime Adventure Society. (click the picture to watch the video) i’m pretty pleased with how it turned out and it was actually kinda nice to be doing something like this again.

6. HALLOWEEN
i didn’t really do anything more than watch the adam’s family this year…but here’s a scary picture i drew anyway..

there’s more than likely a whole bunch of stuff that i’ve missed out here and there’s some other things i’m working on right now that i’ll hopefully remember to blog about soon..

haha….blog…

TO CATCH A FALLING KNIFE

a pitch for Casualty for the BBC by Ed Stockham

Begins with a cross story of an amateur knife thrower who is worried about giving his first performance at the circus, filling in for his mentor who has taken a drugs overdose, and a single mum arguing with her elderly mother who is adamant that they not go to the circus as a family (because of the clowns). The single mum angrily takes her small asthmatic child anyway, leaving her mother alone in the house.
The circus happens and the knife thrower comes out and sets up directly in front of the single mum and her boy. Lots of close ups of the knife thrower sweating, the sharp blade and the young boy’s fragile eyes. The knife is thrown. It hits the board. Meanwhile the elderly mother has fallen down the stairs, impaled herself on the kettle and caused an explosion.

NANANANAAA-NAAA-NAAA-NANANANAAA-NA-NA (Casualty theme)

Fresh from saving 15 orphans from a fire with his mighty NHS super powers, Charlie enters the hospital casually. Tess greets him with hostility, saying that he has retired and he should leave. Charlie uses his broad shoulders to argue that the hospital needs him and accuses Tess of being viciously drunk. This is true and Tess falls…only to be caught by the incredibly handsome doctor. During the 15 minutes of sexual tension that arises, Charlie makes his escape and steals an ambulance to go crime fighting into the night.

The elderly mother is admitted to casualty and everyone says lots of long Latin words while covering themselves in the blood of the old woman. Just when they think she is about to die, two of the doctors start talking about their personal life and plug her into a machine that means she will be fine.
Noel and Big Mac are having a handstand competition.

The asthmatic child is sitting alone in the waiting room, crying in worry because of his grandma. Toyah Battersby from Corrie dressed as a doctor talks to the boy and despite strict regulations lets him into his grandmas isolated room. She is caught doing so by the handsome doctor who starts shouting incoherently. They are interrupted by lots of annoying beeping and everyone in the entire hospital rushes into the elderly mothers room to see that she is covered in scalpels.

There is some sort of seemingly unconnected scene in a bar that involves the characters that aren’t in the hospital. It doesn’t make any sense unless you’ve seen the previous 9 Casualty episodes.

Back the hospital it seems that the boy, inspired by the knife thrower at the circus, was trying to connect with his grandma by re-enacting his day. His mother declares that it’s not his fault…he’s just a CHILD!!
An ambulance crashes through the side of the wall and Charlie steps out and awkwardly makes his way through the people to the old woman. He gently kisses her forehead and the woman is magically better…but for some reason angry at Charlie. Everyone is angry at Charlie and it all seems unreasonable. He says something very humble and mentions his family and the NHS a lot before walking proudly out of the door, out of the hospital and into the breaking dawn.

Big Mac won the handstand competition and Noel reluctantly gives him £50.   

today however, i received this email

another dream…shattered…
 

and i’ve been making some things that look like this:

(and some things i don’t have pictures for yet)

and i also have a BRAND NEW website that looks like this:

www.edstockham.com

go have a look around it if you like. (hint: keep clicking the BACK TO MAIN icon as you look through the site) and if you like it…share it about…why not?

coloured the cyber dog knight from the 24 hour comic i did at stickaid last year.
http://boxrocketcomics.tumblr.com/stickaid

i’ve not yet got all my marks back or the piece of paper that shows i’ve done it, but for all intensive purposes, university for me is over. there are no more classes, no more work associated with my degree and pretty much no reason to ever go back to newport again. it’s all kinda strange.
this is the grad film we’ve been working on and stressing over for the last 2 or 3 months: FINDING FUZZWALD.

there’s a chapter in ‘the motorcycle diaries’ where Alberto sees the ocean for the first time and he just sort of stands in awe looking out at it, and imagines it to be this big expanse of an infinite amount of pathways leading to any number of possibilities and adventures around the world. finishing uni has left me in a similar state of awe i think.
it’s pretty much the first time i’ve been out in the ‘real world’; not guided by any sort of system. i mean, i had a sort of gap year before i went to uni, where i was ‘out there’…but i always had the knowing that in the september i would be back in education. it was more like crossing a river in that respects.
but yeah, the ocean is big and scary, but it’s actually quite exciting to think about. i don’t really have any solid plans of what to do, and no real idea of what happens next. so i guess i’ll just be riding waves for a while.
TO THE FUTURE…AND TO ANYONE WHO WANTS TO GIVE ME A JOB!

extra: i think i need a website…so i guess i’m working on that.

it’ll probably make it’s way into a comic at some point when it’s grown enough and i’ve figured out what it is. http://boxrocketcomics.tumblr.com